We’ll end our mini-series on sex writing with what phrases not to use when writing sex scenes. For more advice, check out this post on how to write a sex scene and words publishers ban writers from using.
Be forewarned – not only does this post feature NSFW content, it highlights the ickiest phrases I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading. Continue at your own risk.
Since most writers avoid using penis, they’ve come up with creative synonyms. Usually it’s something bland like “member” but occasionally someone writes something truly horrific. Here’s a short collection of my favorite cringeworthy sex terms. Let’s kick the list off with substitutes for male-oriented terms:
We get it. It’s hard to write cum without giggling. But please don’t ever think man yogurt is a good substitute.
I change my mind. I’d rather see man yogurt than baby batter.
Fans of Twin Peaks just had flashbacks to the Log Lady and her ugly ass sweaters.
Please don’t try to stick a geographical term up my ass or in my mouth. I don’t want Florida in my butt.
Baseball Bat/Hockey Stick
They’re fucking. Not playing sports. What next, she’s got basketball hoop boobs? Also, can you imagine trying to fit something like that inside you????
Donkey Dick/Rhino Horn/Elephant Trunk
Beastiality is nasty af, and any terms that make me think of an animal having sex is a surefire way to get me to skip to the end of the chapter – if I finish the story at all. Horn and trunk are barely passable but I don’t need the mammalian adjective.
I can’t even begin to describe how much of a boner killer these are. The point of two (or more) men having sex is there’s no pussy to be found.
Now, on to the phrases not to use when referring to female genitals:
Her what now? Did she have radical surgery to replace a body part with furniture? Thank God she didn’t choose a blender.
Not ever Vampirella had bats in her vag. Also, stop using geographical terms!
Again, I don’t want to think of animals. Cave is better than kitty.
Get her to a hospital! And life lesson here, don’t stick your penis in an ax wound.
This is just insulting. Vaginas don’t exist just so a penis can go in them.
Pool Of Moisture
Did she bring floaties? Is there a lifeguard on duty?
Is he going to add his mayonnaise to her furburger? BTW, I just threw up in my mouth.
When it comes to creative terms for genitals, the more outrageous, the worst it is. Unless you’re going for over the top humor, stick to conventional phrases. Remember, it’s all about keeping the reader enthralled in the action. If you can’t think of something, repeat a word or change the sentence to focus on the characters instead of their private parts.
Leave your least favorite sex term in the comments!
Want more gag-inducing phrasing? Check out these posts: